As I've mentioned, Thomas and I are officially under the one-year mark on our wedding countdown! In less than a year, my life will be completely different than it is now. I'll have a different last name, I'll live in a different place, I'll be looking for a new job, and, oh yeah, I'll be married. Huge changes are imminent for me.
Anyone who knows me and has loyally read my blog knows that my mental state leading up to a huge change is sketchy at best. I over-think every possible aspect of the change, often expecting the absolute worst to happen, often worrying myself sick. I get worked up into a tizzy, often feeling like my life is spiraling out of control. Situations that come to mind include starting college, choosing a college to transfer to, moving to Stillwater, starting student teaching, graduating, starting work, and now, getting married. The thing about these changes is that I'm absolutely excited about getting to the big event, but the details terrify me. Not once have I come to one of these huge changes that I haven't overcome. Have I faced struggles initially? Definitely. Have I downright failed? Never.
Think back to it, I was scared about living away from home when I started college, worried about getting along with roommates and thriving in PLC. What happened? I moved in, put my best foot forward, and dove in. End result? I graduated from NOC with high honors and incredible transfer scholarships. After graduating, I prepared to move to Stillwater, terrified that I'd get lost in the swarm of faces, end up broke, living a lonely, friendless life. What happened? I moved, found St. John's, and stayed driven in my academics. End result? God provided me with a renewed faith, incredible friends, great learning experiences, ample finances, and, best of all, my future husband! I could keep going, but you get the picture...
I can't know what will happen immediately after the wedding. I already know generally what'll happen, but I don't the logistics. I don't know where we'll be, what I'll do, or how married life will work. The biggest difference between this change and all the others is that I'm not facing this change on my own. Thomas will be right there with me, muddling through the tough times and being overjoyed about any small (or large) wins we come across. It gives me great comfort to know that even if I find myself missing my family, helplessly searching for a job, or whatever else, Thomas will be right there with me, being my personal cheerleader, among other roles, as I'll be with him.
In most ways, I'm excited! I get to live in a new place and make a home with Thomas for the first time. I have the opportunity to start a new career, hopefully finding something I'm even more passionate about, with potentially better earning/advancement opportunities. (No offense, but I'm somewhat ready for a different challenge.) I'm excited to be able to host my family in our new location. I'm generally just excited to be married, to not have to spend weekends scrambling to spend every viable moment with Thomas before having to fall back into the reality that we live 3.5 hours apart. I'm excited to not have to spend Sunday evenings feeling lonesome and full of dread. I'm excited to get to fall asleep and wake up next to Thomas (most) every night. I'm excited to build a life, and (God willing) a family with Thomas. I'm excited to become a wife, Thomas's no less!
I know, if I'm so excited and if so many good things await me, why am I letting myself become so wrapped up in these details? I guess it's just my nature, a trait I'll likely always possess. I know the only way to overcome these challenges is to place them in God's hands and move forward, letting him provide for our needs as only he can. I know I'll spend the next year or so at varying phases of transitioning. I'll be sad thinking about all the times something will happen that'll be my last to experience it as an unmarried woman. I'll be sad thinking about all the events from my nephews' lives that I won't get to share as easily (if at all) after I move. I'll be a nervous wreck until I know where Thomas will be relocated. I could potentially be even worse after he moves, depending on where he goes. But I'll also get to plan the wedding, attend shower(s) in our honor, and find a million little reasons to celebrate the fact that Thomas and I are about to be united in marriage.
The next year will be a mixed bag of emotions, not only for me, but likely for everyone around me...especially the people who will have to deal with my sometimes fragile emotional state. They'll likely lose patience with me at some point, but will still (hopefully) love me unconditionally and want me to be happy. (I love them so much for this...I'm DEFINITELY not an easy person to love!)
Here's to this next year, with all of its ups and downs! I'm praying and hoping that there'll be far more ups than downs. I'm praying that I'll truly savor each moment, trying my best to be fully present wherever I am, and in whatever I'll be doing. I'm praying that Thomas and I (our families, too) will handle these changes gracefully. I'm praying for a good year, full of great new opportunities. If you would, join me in this prayer that these good things will continually come our way, and we'll overcome any struggles we're presented just as God intends us to!
Oh Amanda, you'll be fine and the adventure of the year ahead of you will be fantastic. Not to worry. This is a God Thing, right? Phillipians 4:6 for heaven's sake. What you need to do is learn some of the practices of meditation, the breathing and centering prayer, so you will be open to all the blessings headed your way. Too often we tell God we want him to be in the driver's seat, but we won't take our hands off the wheel.
ReplyDeleteLet go and enjoy. All will be well.