Why I Write

I've noticed a pattern in my writing over the last few years. I have great intentions of writing things all the time, but usually my intentions greatly outweigh my actual posts. Some of you might wonder, why bother if you just get busy and it's just another thing to do in that never-ending list of things to do that we all have? I know blogging has gone in and out of vogue so many times, that I'm really not sure where it stands these days, so, once again, why bother? I've been thinking about this a lot as of late (believe it or not), and I figured out exactly what keeps me coming back to my small, yet faithful, following.

I figured out that there are two categories that go into my reasoning for writing--people and intrinsic satisfaction, so that's how I'll split this up.

People Who Inspired Me to Write:
I never really fancied myself as much of a "writer", per se, until the end of high school. If I had to go back and pin it all down as to what led me to this point, I'd say it had a lot to do with my 5th and 6th grade English teacher, Mrs. Vanover. At the beginning of the year, she assigned each of us a spiral notebook that we were to write in at the beginning of class. She would give us a writing prompt, and we would have about 5-10 minutes to work on that. Looking at that with my hindsight (especially as a teacher), it was a common practice in education. Giving students problems to work the second they enter your classroom is a great way to get them engaged in your content, and to give yourself a couple of spare moments to take care of small things (attendance, getting makeup work to students who were previously absent, sending emails, etc.) From an English teacher's perspective, I'm sure that practice also had a lot to do with wanting us to be proficient at writing on any given topic, as we would be subjected to on standardized testing.

I actually kept these notebooks, and sometimes read them from time to time. I get a kick out of my precocious, quirky, pre-teen self. I was quite frank in my writing, which I really wasn't in any other aspect of my life. I guess since I didn't have to talk to the other kids in my class or try to fit into their standards of coolness (which didn't include intelligence), I could really just be myself.

When I made it to the high school, I still had good English teachers, with the sole exception of one year. I won't name names, but at least one of my readers will know exactly who I'm about to mention. During my junior year of high school, our teacher was probably one of the more "popular" teachers in school, which means that we didn't do a lot in her class. She really liked writing, so that was one of the few things we did do with any frequency. When we would write, she made a habit of always comparing the class period I was in with the class period that the other half of my grade was in. Every time we would have to write for her class, she always made a huge deal about the fact that first hour was WAAAAAY better at writing than we were. She'd always try to justify it by saying that since we had her class later in the day, we just were mentally drained. But she also explicitly said that we just weren't great at writing. She may not have meant that for everyone in the class, but I'll never forget her saying that. It annoyed my class period to no end to have her constantly compare us to first hour. She would say that so much that we didn't want to take any of her writing assignments seriously, since we knew that she didn't believe in us or our abilities. Even looking at this through my "teacher's lens", I still cannot come up with a solid justification as to why she said and did what she did. Her teaching career (at least while my class was in school) was a royal hot mess. Even worse, I am fairly convinced that she made it much tougher for the other English teacher at our school who was probably one of the best teachers in the whole school district. I'll digress, but not before I say that she motivated me and my writing in a completely different way.

After my entire junior year of high school and being told that "my class sucked at writing" (her exact words), I was enrolled in freshman composition courses concurrently. I was so grateful for my Comp I professor, Ms. McCoy. She was delightfully quirky in her own right. I adored her and her teaching style. She really helped me to find my writer's voice. Beforehand, I was so dead set on all of my writing containing proper grammar. Obviously, proper grammar is important, but in some contexts, it can come across as stiff. She helped me to realize the importance of writing just for the fun of it. I often think of her as I write, and hope that she's doing well. For all the confidence I lost from my junior English teacher, Ms. McCoy helped me get it all back and then some. I'll forever love her for re-instilling a love of writing in me!

Intrinsic Motivation for Writing:
So I've gone on about who helped me to love writing in the first place, but that alone isn't enough to stay up with writing a blog for almost 8 years.

One of the biggest reasons I've continued on with writing is that I love the mental exercise it gives me. My world is so engulfed with math that I need a break from its logical, rigid nature. I find that I actually crave the feeling of putting my thoughts into words on a screen. (I crave chocolate, too. That's probably a much more normal craving, now that I think about it!) I used to be big on writing in journals, but sometimes my mind moves too fast for me to physically write. I'm also much quicker at typing than I am at writing, and I can organize everything exactly the way I want it to look. (Because OCD, that's why.)

Here's a bigger reason why I write: it's therapy. You see, during high school, I struggled a lot with depression (or symptoms that sure seem a lot like depression, especially in hindsight). I would get into holes that would take a while to get out of. I didn't realize just how bad I was until one day, my sister Emily (God bless her for this), gave me a journal and a Bible. She told me that I probably had a lot of use for both of those things at that point in my life. She gave them to me and told me that she wanted me to write down any bad thoughts I was having to get them out of my mind. The Bible, well, obviously that's a good place to turn when needing encouragement. Both items have been very well used through the years. I wrote about my days, random angsty teenage poetry, which boys I liked at that moment in time, who was making me mad at school, and sometimes, just exactly how I was feeling at that moment. Looking back at that journal, there's nothing too mind-blowing about it. It was all simple stuff that doesn't really trouble me too much anymore. But at that time, it was my world, and it was a huge deal.

A few years after that was when I took the plunge and started my blog. It took a lot of courage for me to do that, but on the whole it's been good. I love being able to go back to my early posts and read what was happening. I love seeing what was important to me back then. I love reading about times when life was tough, and I know that I wasn't feeling great about things, especially knowing how it all ended. This blog has been with me through quite a few relationships, and I love reading back about some of those. (Mostly laughing about how absurd I was to think that I once felt that way about those guys, especially given my hindsight!) All of the memories, good and bad, are so great. I even was able to chronicle my wedding day and the days leading up to it. That alone is probably better to me than any wedding video (which we didn't have, oddly enough).

I love writing, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. When I was little, I always wanted to be an author and write my life story. I'm not sure why, because I'm not famous, I probably never will be famous, and I'll probably never have anything happen to me that'd be good enough to write about and get a book deal for. (I'm not creative enough to write fiction or poetry, sorry.) But, having my blog, I can fulfill a little piece of that dream. And, you know, that's probably the next best thing.

As always, thanks for reading!