Dear Little One

Dear Little One,

We’re 1/3 of the way to meeting you! I never imagined that you’d be in our life a year ago. You are the best surprise I’ve ever received. I’ve always dreamed of being a mom, and now that I am, it’s even better than I could have imagined. And I haven’t even got to see your sweet face yet! I don’t know who you’ll look like, what your personality will be, or what your future holds. Pondering these things fill me with utter joy, yet terrify me at the same time! 

I’ll tell you this a million times through your life, but you’ve brought immense joy to so many people already. People who haven’t seen your face love you more than you’ll ever know. You have an extra special guardian angel in your Great-Grandma Jackie. God gave you to us when He did just so your daddy and I could have our one last special moment with her. In the weeks after her death, you brought such joy to our family. You gave us proof that even in death, life still goes on. Beyond our family, other friends were overjoyed to know about you. You were the good news they were longing to hear. 

I tell you this so you know how deeply happy you’ve made us and how much we all love you. 

Your daddy has a new light in his eyes. It makes me so happy when he hugs my tummy, which is slowly starting to grow out. He helps me so much when I’m feeling tired and worn out. (I love you, but you seriously exhaust me, kiddo!) He’s patient with me when I’m emotional. He does all of this and more, because he loves us so very much. You’ve given him a new sense of purpose, just as you have with me. 

We’re excited to have this Christmas season to rest and see our family, but we can’t help but grow in excitement for next Christmas! We can’t wait to celebrate your first Christmas and truly start our own family traditions with you. Even if you’ll be little, we can’t wait! 

For all the good things I think about, I worry a lot too. I think about the bad what-ifs. I think about the world you’ll grow up in and wonder what challenges you’ll have to face that your daddy and I didn’t have to worry about. I worry about if you’ll have good friends, if you’ll make good choices, if something bad will happen. I can’t stay there long because it takes away my joy. And it’s silly to worry about things so far in the future that I really cannot control. Then I worry about when you will be an adult and have your own life and if you’ll still need me like you do now. I think about how your Nana always told me that I’ll never quit worrying about you, because she still worries about me, Aunt Gina, and Aunt Emily. I know your DiDi worries about your dad and Aunt Lizzie, too. It’s a mom thing, I guess.

I think about all the people you won’t get to meet, and I get sad that you’ll never get to bake with Grandma Hladik, eat Mimi’s kolaches or chicken noodle soup, hear Grandpa Hladik, Grandpa Rudy, Papaw, or Grandpa Coulter tell you their old stories. You won’t get to have dessert with Mamaw or Grandma Jackie. You won’t get to fall asleep on Uncle Joe’s lap, or hear Aunt Carol’s melodious laugh. You won’t get to have fun aunt times with Aunt Michelle. 

As I think about this, I hope that your soul is with them right now and you’ll know of their deep love for you, too. I hope that when we get to meet you, you’ll come to us full of their love. 

Of course I pray that you’ll be healthy and strong when you are born. I pray that God will always protect you from harm. I pray that you’ll always stay close to God and grow to have a deep relationship with Him that will be passed to generations beyond me. I pray that you’ll continue to bring joy to the world, that you’ll make the world a better place, that you’ll care deeply for all who come to you, that you’ll stand firm in your convictions, that you’ll work to end injustice and bias that exists in the world. I pray that you’ll be the best parts of your daddy and me. I pray that we’ll have the courage to let you grow up to be the person God has created you to be, not the person others tell you to be. Most of all, I pray that you know how deeply, unconditionally, irrevocably you are loved by not only your family and our friends, but most of all by God himself. 

I love you so much more than you’ll ever know. 

Love, 

Mommy