Profile of Amanda in 2019
(This isn't as insightful since you could easily read about my life right now. Even so.)
I'm now married with a baby, a mortgage, and a decent job. I still live in Dallas. I'm learning to navigate my new normal of life as a working mom. Some days are easier than others, but all in all, I am still quite blessed. I realize that the life Thomas and I have built together is a luxury that many people our age aren't afforded. We know what a blessing it is to be in our mid-20s with a baby and being homeowners. We try not to take any of it for granted.
My job, though frustrating and stressful at times has allowed me to fall back in love with teaching just for the sake of teaching. I still have days where I wonder if this is the correct career path for me. However, I'm practical enough to know that I'm young and have time to keep working through this path until I'm presented with a different option at the right time. Teaching at my current job is a new and different challenge that is so much easier for me to manage than at my old job. My students are one of the best things about work. (Okay, maybe not every day, but most days they truly are.)
I'm slowly adapting to living away from all of my immediate family. Adjusting to that has been a tough pill to swallow, especially since Katherine was born. I hate that she won't get to grow up with my nephews as much. I also hate that her time with my family is always at a premium. Believe it or not, Thomas and I have discussed options of moving away from Dallas. Much as it can feel like the easy choice at times, sadly, it isn't. No matter what we choose, someone or something is losing out. So, our options are to live close to one family or live close to no one. None of those are options we like, but it's a fact of life when you marry someone who grew up in a different place than you did. Ultimately, we have landed on the fact that we want Katherine (and any future children of ours) to grow up near at least some of her family. I think this will be a conversation that we have to continue throughout our marriage, constantly evaluating our current life and family circumstances. And so it goes...
**********************************
If I had to sum up the 2010s, for me it was a decade of coming into my own. I've figured out who I want to be and what kind of life I want to have. I've figured out who I want in my life and what kind of people I want to spend time with. I've figured out what's important to me and where my morals and faith fall in all of it. I've also tried to be better about making time for my people. I've developed my career, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished in my first 5 years of working. I'm proud of my marriage and family. I never could have imagined finding (and marrying!) someone as wonderful as Thomas. I wish 2009 Amanda could have understood who she would eventually find, but then again, I'm glad I didn't. I believe that all the heartbreak and pain I went through made me especially appreciative of Thomas and the genuine love he has for me. I never could have imagined the journey I'd take in this decade, but I'm proud of it. If I had a theme from the 2010s, I think it would be discovery. Discovery of faith, my ideals, love of family, and friends. I feel like I came into my own and decided what kind of person I wanted to be. The 2010s, even with all of the pain and loss that came, were good to me.
**********************************
I have no idea what to expect from the 2020s. I anticipate this to be the decade in which I have all the rest of my babies. I also anticipate it to be the first decade of being solidly an adult. It's hard to imagine that in 10 years I'll be in my mid- to late-30s. I know the world will be incredibly different. My family alone will be hugely different. All of the boys will be graduated or in high school by 2029. While I have lots of hope for the future, I also have lots of fears. I worry about who from my family will die in the coming decade. My extended family, in particular, is getting older. The thought of dealing with a major death while living away from my family is not one I want to even think about right now. I'm not ready for that to happen, but I know it's only a matter of time before I get one of those phone calls. Thomas and people down here probably think I'm attached at the hip with my cell phone, but the sad fact is that it's my lifeline to Oklahoma. It's the only way I can instantly communicate with my family that is, at minimum, 4+ hours away from me. I just know that a red-eye drive, spurred by caffeine and adrenaline, will happen at one point or another. Thoughts like this, dark and dismal as they may be, really bother me. My mind has been fast at work fretting about all of it for the last month or two. I know that I should, instead, focus on the good and all the fun times that will come, but that's just not how my mind operates.
Speaking of that, I want the 2020s to be a decade of better mental health for me. I've always been a worrier. There have been times in the last few years that I've felt incredibly anxious and/or depressed for long spans of time. I know it seems like the buzzword for now, but it's also getting easier for me to talk about it since many other people are so open and accepting of it now. There have been times in which either have inhibited my ability to function, especially within social settings. Pregnancy and postpartum has sparked a lot of these feelings back in me, unfortunately. I've also found that it can be particularly challenging for me living in a different environment than what I grew up around. There are many different social and societal expectations living in Dallas. So often I feel that everything has to be "just so". The house has to be decorated and arranged in a particular manner. All white or taupe interiors and upholstery...if your home doesn't look like a showroom at Pottery Barn or Crate & Barrel, you're doing it wrong. The food has to suit every possible dietary restriction known to man. God forbid anything is fried or contains cream of something soup. You can't leave the house without at least a little bit of makeup on. And don't even think about going to the doctor in plain jeans and a t-shirt, lest all the ritzy moms in their designer clothing look down their noses at you in your Plebeian attire. Children always have to be dressed in nice clothing and remain polite and relatively silent, lest they make you appear to be a neglectful or inept parent. And don't even think about the horrors of sending your child to public school.
Compared to the simplicity of growing up in rural Oklahoma, Dallas is its own animal. It may not be as extreme as I put it out to be, but some days it feels like it, especially as a woman/mother/outsider. In the last few years, it has been a big source of frustration for me. This is another conversation that Thomas and I have on a regular basis. The good news is that this frustration is one-sided. Thomas is well aware of these "social norms" and loathes almost all of them. He hates how stuffy and uppity many people can be around these parts, so he's perfectly content to keep living in a way that is simpler than most around us. He's fine with saving money and not trying to keep up with the proverbial Joneses. In fact, he thinks the "Joneses" are...well, maybe I won't say what he thinks just to keep this post family-friendly. He is more forward-thinking than many men are. He believes women are just as capable as men, but he also reminds me that chivalry isn't dead. He is loving and accepting of all creeds and cultures. He is fiercely loyal to me and Katherine, and he won't allow anyone to treat us as lesser, despite what the social norms may be. He isn't afraid to tell people to "buzz off" when I'm feeling especially down or anxious. So many of the fears and worries that consume my anxious mind seem to be vanquished when Thomas gets hold of them. He listens and soothes me in a way that no one else could. In this spirit, I am trying to remind myself that God has given me Thomas to help me, regardless of what the 2020s may bring.
I'm interested to see what positive changes will come our way. Be it new jobs, a new house, or, God willing, new babies to love. We'll get to be part of many weddings for friends and family members. We'll get to travel to new places and have lots of fun as a family, not just as a couple. I'm trying to embrace the fact that a new decade doesn't have to mean bad things. And to finish up a thought from a little bit ago, I am actively working to improve my mental health by trying a few different things. My goal for the coming decade is to be able to sustain those efforts and build on them, not just for me, but for my family as a whole.
For better or worse, bring on a new decade!
No comments:
Post a Comment