Thoughts on Fitting In

(Something I wrote long before the COVID madness descended on the world...)

Lately, I’ve had this nagging feeling that something is “off”. 

You ever get those feelings? I do, from time to time, and they’re difficult feelings to shake. 

It all began at an event for my students. I was there with some of the other teachers, and it seemed like any conversation I fell into with my coworkers just ended with me feeling like a lesser person who somehow didn’t belong there. 

I’ve noticed that throughout my life, I’ve often felt this way. In most social settings it would seem I’m the odd one out for one reason or another. It seems like I’m either “too much” or “not enough” for many of the people around me. 

Perhaps I’m too inquisitive, deemed to be too intelligent, too bookish, too quiet, too boisterous, too crass, too talkative, too simple-minded, too altruistic, too worried, too compassionate, too cultured, too young, too old, too liberal, too conservative, too bossy...

Or not smart enough, not important enough, not popular enough, not loud enough, not quiet enough, not cultured enough, not assertive enough...

I could continue, but will spare you the litany of faults others have found in me. If you’ve ever been in this situation, you know what I mean, and if you don’t, then you’ve probably been a person who has made other people feel this way. We all probably have at least once. So many social settings seem like they have the “inner circle”. If you’re in, you’re in. If you’re out, you’ll never get in. The only way in seems to require you to completely change your whole self until you're unrecognizable.

So what is one to do if you find yourself “out”? Like I said, you can try to get in, but chances are it will be to no avail. You can have a pity party, which is satisfying for only a little bit, until it turns into full-on miserable wallowing. You can try to change yourself to fit the mold of the circles. 

Or you can find happiness as a square. Or a trapezoid...or maybe a decagon. One of the best ways to do this is to find others who are in your shoes and love them hard. And if you don’t know where to find these people, look on the periphery of social events, because you’re definitely not the only one. Listen to their story. Love them for who and what they are. For me, my life improves one hundred fold when I can be around the right people. I am more myself, more authentic, and less anxious. I can laugh loudly, sing along to music, dance awkwardly, and do all the things that make me who I am. 

Beyond finding the right people, I think happiness can come from accepting that which makes you who you are. The beautiful, chaotic mess of contradictions and intricacies woven together in the image of a loving god. You are just right exactly the way you are. The people who matter will think so, too. If places and people make you uncomfortable, don’t spend any more time there than absolutely necessary. Your energy is far too precious to waste on people and things that don’t feed your soul.