I was going to jump straight to present-day, but I opted to pause and think about all the ways my life changed in between 2009 and 2019. My instinct is to go on and on, but if you look in the archives, you can find more about these things through there, so go look for yourself, while I make a bulleted list...
2010
I became a senior!
I started the blog.
I had my wisdom teeth removed. (ugh)
I was broken up with and started dating again not too long after that. (Big mistake.)
I ran at the state track meet.
I started taking college classes!
2011
I graduated high school! Whoop!
I made all-state in quiz bowl!
I quit track.
I picked a college and earned incredible scholarships!
I became a full-time college student.
I lived away from home for the first time.
I gained another nephew!
I started tutoring!
2012
I started and finished college Calculus.
I survived my short stint of Physics--miracle of miracles!
I ended my HS relationship and effectively cut ties with most of the remaining people I talked to in HS, minus the people who matter most.
I had almost no social life because I studied all the time.
I started thinking about what I'd do after finishing NOC and had a mini existential crisis.
I visited OSU, and I fell in LOVE with the campus.
2013
I got really in to exercise and fitness.
I became really close with Liz again!
I graduated NOC!
I earned an amazing scholarship that made OSU a financial reality for me!
I bought my trailer.
I got my first actual job at Prairie Quilt, and loved it!
I moved to Stillwater.
I got re-involved in my faith.
I started attending Bible study.
I made gads of friends (who I'm still close with!)
I started classes that helped me become a teacher!
I started classroom observations.
I gained another nephew!
2014
I attended a cool retreat that literally changed my life.
I started LEADING a Bible study.
I tried (unsuccessfully) to start dating again at the first half of the year.
I struggled HARD in my classes for the first time ever.
My cousin Keith died.
I spent inordinate amounts of time at St. John's with some of the best friends ever!
I visited 2 convents with my friend who is now a nun!
I had a REALLY stressful week that culminated with me beginning to date Thomas.
2015
I started student teaching.
I learned how to survive off minimal sleep.
I spent inordinate amounts of time with Thomas.
I traveled to Dallas to meet his family.
Mimi died.
I graduated from OSU!
I got my first "big girl" job!
Thomas lived in OK for the summer, and we had the best summer ever!
I set up my first classroom.
I started teaching and realized I knew nothing--yikes!
Uncle Joe died.
Thomas' grandma died.
Aunt Carol died.
Thomas and I got engaged!
I visited Dallas a few more times.
I got in my awful wreck. (2015 was awful, besides graduating and getting engaged, tbh)
2016
I bought my car!
I finished my first year of teaching.
Thomas graduated from OSU!
We started planning the wedding.
Thomas decided to move to Arkansas, and later, to Dallas.
Thomas and I began the real long-distance phase of our relationship.
I started my second year of teaching.
Not as many people died--thank God!
I made more trips to Arkansas, and later, to Dallas.
2017
I started applying for jobs in Dallas, to no avail.
I freaked out big time because I couldn't find a job.
I prepared to move away from Oklahoma and my family.
I got married!
I moved to Texas.
I started the process of changing my name, and spent an awful 6 hours in a DMV.
I learned how to navigate the greater Dallas area!
I started tutoring.
I enjoyed living in the same place as Thomas for the first time ever!
I wrote HUNDREDS of thank-you notes!
2018
I got my current teaching job!
I quit all but one of my 4 side-hustle jobs!
We traveled to Colorado for our honeymoon.
Thomas' grandma died.
We found out I was pregnant with Katherine!
We started the home-buying process.
I grew a lot as a person throughout the decade, and for that, I couldn't be more grateful. Look for part 3 coming soon!
It baffles me that we're at the end of another decade. This is now the 3rd time in my life I've got to see a new decade come. I love times like these that allow me to sit down and reflect on how much is different in my life and the world around me. I looked for cool prompts or question lists to help guide me, but I didn't find anything I liked. Here's my feeble attempt at comparing my life.
Profile of Amanda in 2009
I was a junior in high school. Junior year really wasn't too bad, all things considered. It was a pretty big year for me. I finally felt like I had shed a lot of the awkwardness that was all-encompassing for the better part of elementary and junior high. I liked most of my classes, especially my math and science classes. That was the year I learned to love Trigonometry. That was also the year I got to take a fun Biology II class that was a hybrid of forensic science and vertebrate zoology. (I, however, hated my English class and our teacher who told us all that we "sucked at writing". PSA: Teachers, never make statements like that to impressionable high school students. They won't forget your unkindness. Also, suck it, Ms. Watkins. I'm still writing.)
I made it to state in track (running the 3200m relay). I was captain of the quiz bowl team. Second chair clarinet (to a girl who was a 3-time All-Stater) and enjoying band. I had resolved a lot of drama in terms of finding positive friendships. Tonisha and I were BFFs who were living our best lives. I got my license. I attended NCYC in KC and had an amazing time meeting other young Catholics. That was probably one of the bigger turning points in my faith life, because I joined YAB not too long afterwards. I also felt like the exotic kid at school who had friends all over the place and not just at little old Pioneer. I just gained my 4th nephew, Andy. Life was pretty good, all things considered.
By the end of 2009, I gained a bigger perspective that I so desperately needed to find back in 2008 and the beginning of 2009. I felt really pigeon-holed being at Pioneer. Don't get me wrong, I had a great educational experience and I met some of my lifelong friends there (aka Tonisha). But I learned pretty quickly that I wasn't cut from the same cloth as a lot of my peers. I was one of a handful of Catholics, and people were pretty openly rude about that. I didn't come from a family with a "name". Yes, my dad's whole family and both of my sisters went there, but that didn't mean much to anyone. While academics came easily to me, not many people at school cared about that besides the teachers who weren't coaches. Sports was king, and having natural athletic ability (or general coordination) was not something I was endowed with. Athletics was the one thing I had to actually work at to come close to finding any sort of success. It was probably a good thing I ran track, because it taught me a lot about endurance and mental toughness. And it wasn't like most team sports, which meant that I didn't have to worry about a-hole teammates being on a power trip and jeopardizing my chance at victory. I liked being solely responsible for my victories and losses.
My sisters, who were well into their adult lives by this point, always tried to tell me that life improves vastly beyond high school. Once they explained that you can control your friend group and that you don't have to deal with the same annoying classmates you've had since elementary school on a daily basis, I realized that that sounded like a pretty sweet deal. I bought in to that idea easily. The problem was that I still had a few years left of dealing with my peers who I didn't like. I guess you could say that me seeking friends and connections outside of Pioneer was my way of trying to achieve that reality quicker.
Oh yeah, I was also on the cusp of starting dating. That was another thing that plagued me. The guys at my high school were idiots who only wanted one thing. And it wasn't me. Not bookish, straight A, independent-thinking, farm kid, Catholic, band nerd, befriend my teachers, want to get out of there ASAP Amanda. Not even a little bit. The 2010s contained my entire dating journey. It makes me shudder to think of those times. In retrospect, I wish I wouldn't have allowed myself to be so consumed with boys in high school. There really is nothing good that can come from dating in high school. You're practically a child, but with hormones that enable one to think they aren't. Your prefrontal cortex is still developing, for heaven's sake. I'm sure someone tried telling me some combination of those things, but I wasn't about to listen. In my mind, having a boyfriend or some sort of companionship was the only way I could appear to be normal in the eyes of my peers. Again, most of my peers were clueless idiots themselves. Why I wanted (or needed) their approval in the first place confuses me. (Basic neuroscience and psychology explains this, but still.) Nonetheless I did. I spent inordinate amounts of time seeking something that I had a feeling I wouldn't find there. (SO glad I didn't!)
I think that about sums up my life in 2009. Be on the lookout for 2019's profile!
I've started and abandoned this post for quite some time now, but I'm making myself sit down and write. Nothing bad or earth shattering has happened, but I just need to write.
I have been in the trenches of some serious momming. Slowly, but surely, I'm getting the hang of having a little one who is completely dependent on me. Katherine is almost 6 months old. She is generally a happy baby who we just adore! At this time, these are the things she has done/accomplished/experienced:
She mastered the art of rolling both directions by 3 months. She could roll tummy to back by 2.5 months!
She's on the cusp of crawling and sitting. I have my suspicions that she'll be doing one or both by Christmas.
She flew for the first time back in September, when we traveled to STL for Elizabeth's white coat ceremony. She was a great little traveler, all things considered. Minus the stupid TSA line that almost made us miss our outgoing flight from Dallas and a delayed flight coming back to Dallas, our quick trip was good. Okay, it was also incredibly stressful. I was happy that we traveled with Steve, Diana, and Steve's sister Jean. It made flying easier on us. Katherine was in a phase of hating carseats and screamed for the entirety of almost every single car trip we made that weekend. Everyone offered their two cents of how to calm her to no avail. I tried my best to get the point across that she was just out of her routine, needing to not be held or cooped up in a carseat, and possibly fighting naps. In all honesty, I was a bundle of nerves all weekend. I have never wished to have an IV drip of Valium as bad as I did that weekend. Traveling is incredibly stressful and doing so with a baby makes it even more so. Such is life.
We've experienced 4th of July, Labor Day, and Halloween. All of which were almost non-events for us. We didn't even bother dressing Kat up in a costume. I know, we're the worst parents ever. It didn't seem logical to dress her up when we weren't going to take her trick or treating, she couldn't sit up, she is incredibly warm blooded, and the weather was cold, windy, and miserable. Plus, we were going to OK the next day, so I was in full travel prep mode and Halloween was a huge afterthought.
Katherine started baby cereal a few weeks ago. She seems to enjoy it now. The first few times she was indifferent at best. Now, she's getting the hang of it! We'll likely start other solids within the week. I think she's ready to start experiencing new flavors.
I SWEAR we're on the verge of her first 2 teeth. Then again I've been thinking that for the last 2 months. But this time, I really think we're close. I can see the outline of the 2 middle teeth on her jaw. It's happening soon; I can feel it.
We continue to love Katherine's babysitter. She is just wonderful. We also love the little family the daycare is. She attends a small, in-home daycare with 3 other kiddos. Kat is the only baby there. The other kids just fawn over her. It likely helps that 2/3 of them don't have any brothers or sisters, so she is their adopted baby sister. It amazes me how much easier it is to balance everything knowing that Katherine is so well cared for during the day.
Katherine has discovered her voice, which is the cutest thing ever. She can coo, shout, and is slowly learning to vocalize. I'm fairly confident that she can say Mama. I'm not deluded enough to believe she understands what Mama means yet, but she can still say it! She also makes this hilarious noise that sounds like a combination of a cat yowling and screeching tires. It is the best.
She is quite the expressive baby. My favorite expression of hers these days is her "little old lady" face. She sucks her lips in around her gums and proceeds to babble. It makes me giggle so much!
I think that sums up Kat's first few months of life. She sleeps pretty well, all things considered. We are quite blessed by that. It only makes me dread having another child, because I just know that we'll get our payback then...
I returned to work in time for inservice, and I haven't necessarily been happy about it. I hate that I can't be with Katherine all day, and I hate the lack of flexibility teaching can have. Yes, we get lots of days off and built-in vacations. But guess what, when I'm off, almost everyone else is too. When I'm off work, doctor's offices are closed or booked up because that's when everyone else in the Metroplex decides to go to the doctor. I'm fortunate in that Thomas' job has a little more flexibility, and he's been able to take charge on a few days that I couldn't be there. When Thomas couldn't, his parents and mine have been great helps to us. We've hit a small snag, as Thomas' mom recently had a much-needed double knee replacement. She has been out of commission since the end of October, and Steve by extension, as he has been tending to Diana during her recovery. While Diana's recovery is far exceeding everyone's expectations, she still has a long road and lots of PT ahead of her.
At work, there have been lots of changes and reassignments. I now teach all but 3 senior math classes. Teaching seniors versus freshmen has been a huge mental shift for me. The math I teach is more intricate. The seniors are bundles of nerves, as they're trying to piece together what next year will look like. College apps, rec letters, campus visits, the much awaited admissions letters...all things I'm hearing about every single day. Furthermore, all but a handful of my students had a bad year in math last year. They were taught by my colleague who was fired mid-year. The level of incompetence, unprofessionalism, and lack of awareness shown by this teacher continue to baffle me in the worst way possible. My students have some serious PTSD from the practices used by their old teacher, and I'm left to pick up the pieces and move them forward. I have students who are adept problem solvers and skilled math students, but are crippled by extreme quiz/test anxiety. I'm having to constantly check my assumptions of what they "should" know with how they learned it last year. While freshmen are squirrelly bundles of teenage angst who need firm boundaries and clear expectations in place, seniors need lots of compassion, understanding, and a safe haven amid the storms of life. I feel like I'm part counselor and life coach in addition to teacher. Oftentimes, I think that the students need ME, the person to help them feel heard and seen and not teacher ME. Most days it's more about the personal connections than it ever is about the content. Don't get me wrong, we still are trudging onward in discussing trigonometry and basic derivatives, but we spend at least a little time each week talking about life. I think they need it amid the mounting pressure forming all around them as they approach adulthood. So to say that I'm more mentally extended at work than I've been in previous years is an understatement.
In an effort to be open and honest with myself, I've also been working on my mental health over the last few months. It has been a long and challenging road, but I feel like I'm slowly making some headway. It began with having lots of difficult conversations with Thomas, then my family, then my doctor. There are a couple of clinical causes that we've identified, but I'm also working to change some aspects externally in the hopes that it'll have a positive ripple effect. One way I'm working to fix things is by incorporating more exercise. I'm going out on a limb and trying something new next week. I decided that the best way to start my physical wellness routine is to try aquatic exercises. I'm doing this in phases by starting with basic adult swimming lessons. The last time I took swimming lessons was when I was a fearful third grader who almost had a panic attack trying to dive in the pool. God bless my swimming teacher back then. I have no idea how she didn't snap on me! I'm hoping that being a rational adult who knows that drowning isn't a constant threat will work in my favor this time.
On a separate note, Thomas remains an amazing constant in all of the changes. He grounds me, he encourages me, and he supports me. I couldn't do this life without him. He is an amazing dad to Katherine, too. I am incredibly blessed to have him and Katherine! For the sake of self-preservation, I'll end it here. Kat was up at 4 AM with some combination of teething pain and hunger caused by her food strike from teething pain, and this is the product of my insomnia since she went back to sleep. Have a great Thanksgiving--I'll do better to write more!
One of the unexpected things that has come from various middle-of-the-night feedings is that you have a lot of time for your mind to wander. You'd be surprised to see the number of memos I have in my phone dedicated to random things I want to look up/do/write about/ponder at some point when I have the ability to better do so. These thoughts are all over the place, some good, some bad, but likely stemming from some piece of my semi-conscious mind. This morning, as I was feeding my sweet baby girl, I stumbled across some thoughts that angered me. I'm not usually the kind of person to take strong positions or jump on a soapbox (Okay, but does blogging count as a soapbox? Serious question here...), but indulge me just this once. Because I've got some thoughts. Although I feel like this goes without saying, I'll preface this by saying that I have an amazing tribe of people in my life, specifically Thomas and Katherine. Also, I know that women/couples who have issues with reproductive health or infertility would be less than sympathetic to some of this. I get it, but I also have feelings of my own that I need to let out. And this is more bold than usual. So here goes.
Yesterday I fell into my pattern of TV watching that includes the 3 favorite shows of most basic 20-somethings, Friends, The Office, and Parks and Recreation. I go through seasons that each show "speaks" to me more than another. I also go through seasons in which I get irrationally annoyed with the character development and the stereotypes that many of the characters play into because I'm "woke" like that (is that what the youths call it?), so there's that. I digress. An episode of Parks and Rec was on yesterday, "Pie Mary" from the final season. The short version is that Leslie, the feminist protagonist who has a high-level government career, is the wife of Ben, who is running for public office. One traditional campaign event is a pie-baking contest held among the wives of the candidates. Leslie, who is very non-traditional, balks at the implied sexism of the event and wants to forego it because it's simply not her thing. Cue everyone getting irrationally upset, including a bunch of "men's rights" activists who protest every event Ben (and Leslie) attend. It all comes to climax at the end when Leslie goes on an epic rant...
This scene prompted me to do a little self-reflection, and this is where I landed. Women, especially moms, are held to standards that are ridiculously unfair. I went up to the school last week to get my laptop and was asked about 10 times who would be caring for Katherine upon my return to work. When Thomas went back to work, he was congratulated and was able to step right back to where he left off before Katherine came without any question of who's caring for his child, since obviously his wife was at home doing so. Then the plethora of invasive questions that no one really has any business asking anyone unless you're directly related or on that level with the person. For example, asking about if you're breastfeeding or formula feeding. The rhetoric on both sides surrounding this very topic is enough to ignite a million rages within me. So many sources are so quick to only propagate the benefits of breastfeeding and how it's an absolute must, but hardly ever discuss the challenges that accompany it, especially as a working mom. And don't get me started on the scrutiny women who exclusively breastfeed face on the daily. Or the women who choose to feed their baby formula. Oh wait? Scrutiny on both ends? This "damned if you do, damned if you don't" mentality that permeates American society (and possibly society in general) is where all of my anger is coming from.
As a mother, you. can't. win.
You have to deal with the 9 months of pregnancy and all the related maladies, childbirth (which is not a picnic, no matter how your baby leaves your body), having your hormones so messed up that you don't even know what "normal" is and you've resigned yourself to having a certain level of crazy for the indefinite future, having a variety of fluids leaving your body simultaneously and involuntarily, feeling emotional because you require 4 different wardrobe sizes on 4 different days...sometimes all within the same day, if you're extra lucky. Not being able to physically withstand the exercise you need to do to be back to where you perpetually want your body to be. Having to figure out how to juggle being a mom and wife and whatever else it is you do at work. Knowing that staying home isn't necessarily an option or desire for everyone. Full disclosure, if I could stay home with Kat, I would. But I can't, so here we are. (Catch 22 again.) Then worrying about getting pregnant again postpartum. That's a topic I don't even have the mental wherewithal to touch.
Having not only yourself to worry about, but also your child(ren) and sometimes your spouse, too. More appointments to keep track of, more supplies that are needed, more demands. Feeling like you have to ask for permission before you do literally anything because you feel like you have no freedom to even shower. Seeing people praise dads doing literally anything with their children, but having moms do the same things and receiving no recognition, or worse, all kinds of criticism and unsolicited opinions/advice. (To be fair, dads play a big role in children's lives. I can attest to their impact as an educator. But also not addressing that particular topic today.) People saying that dads staying home with their children are babysitting (not being a parent), but expecting women to make a lifestyle of it. People judging working moms for choosing to strive for career-related goals/moves, or conversely judging when you decide to step back and prioritize your family. (Again, not something men have to deal with, literally ever. In fact, men are often praised regardless of whichever choice they make. They're either seen as the breadwinner or the amazing family man. Not as a terrible parent or like they're totally abandoning their sense of purpose or wasting their life.) People constantly worrying about when dads are home alone with kids, but again, expecting it of moms pretty early on in the parenting journey.
And this is only the tip of the iceberg that is my frustration. I can't say I'm mad at anyone, because I'm mad at the situation. I'm mad at the fact that our society seems to equate motherhood with martyrdom. It seems to glorify the mindset that moms have to be overworked, overwhelmed, angry, crazy bitches and that dads have to be helpless, spineless, and generally clueless dopes. Don't believe me? Take a look at almost every family-based sitcom or TV commercial that has ever existed, it's full of dads who I'd like to throat punch. Take a look at social media--it's full of moms posting passive-aggressive memes lamenting the stresses of their load. As much as it pisses me off, it also terrifies me. We live in a world where we tell our daughters they can do anything they set their minds to, but know that this frustration will await them on the other side if/when they have children. What good is that?
This message has permeated our minds to the point to accept that it HAS to be this way. What are we doing to help flip the narrative? What can we do to change this? My biggest question might just be this: what can I do to make sure that Katherine (and any future daughters I could have) doesn't have to deal with this?
These are, sadly, questions that don't have easy answers. It could come from being more judicious in choosing elected officials to advocate for some of the related legislation. It could come from cultivating marriages and relationships that are supportive where both parties can easily and freely air their grievances and work to improve things instead of silently suffering. It might come from raising boys to be empathetic men who are willing to be better. It might come from finding (or building) community where women don't feel so isolated in their struggles, especially first-time moms. For me, I'm changing this by not staying quiet. I'm going to do my best to not swallow my frustrations in the name of keeping peace or saving face. I'm going to raise Katherine to have high standards in terms of the people she allows in her life. I'm going to continue to be thankful for Thomas and the fact that he's willing to listen and be a partner, not a helper. (To me, helping implies that there is an imbalance of power/duties. Partnering is more of being on the same page and working together.) I'm grateful for both of my parents who did an amazing job of instilling values in us girls and showing us what a partnership looks like.
Perhaps motherhood (or maybe hormones or sleep-deprivation) has flipped a switch in my brain, but I'm ready to start talking about what matters to me. Staying quiet, for me, only causes these things to fester to the point that they leave me with anger that isn't easily quelled. There's a lot of unfair things happening in the world these days and this is the tip of the iceberg. Little by little, I'll gain the courage to quit being passive and cause some ripples. No, I'm not turning into a bra burner. (I need one of those especially these days--ha!) I'm not going at this from a "liberal" or "conservative" angle. These are issues that need to be talked about and de-stigmatized. When we can have open, honest conversations, they might make us uncomfortable for a little bit, but they might also change our minds. They might make us more empathetic, more compassionate, more willing to spark the changes that need to happen. Thanks for reading and listening to me--I'm just getting started!
ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing
Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent
Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=parks-and-recreation&episode=s07e09
he first thing I'm gonna do is say sorry.
I'm sorry that the spotlight is on me and not on Ben, because he is going to make a great congressman.
Second, the Male Men Where are you? Ah.
You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing.
Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent answers to all the silly questions that you're gonna end up asking me, and every other woman in this election, over the next few months.
"Why did I change my hairstyle?" Oh, I don't know.
I just thought it would look better.
Or my kids got gum in it.
"Are you trying to have it all?" That question makes no sense.
It's a stupid question.
Stop asking it.
Don't ask it.
"Do you miss your kids while you're at work?" Yes, of course I do.
Everybody does.
And then, you know, sometimes I don't.
Yeah.
And by the way, no one's ever asked me that question.
No one asks me, "Where are your kids?" Or, "Who's taking care of them?" By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now? My mom, babe.
Everything's fine.
Right.
So, maybe Leslie doesn't fit your personal idea of what a candidate's wife should be.
So what? That's good, because there shouldn't be just one idea anyway.
That's right.
If you wanna bake a pie, that's great.
If you wanna have a career, that's great, too.
Do both, or neither, it doesn't matter.
Just don't judge what someone else has decided to do.
We're all just trying to find the right path for us.
Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=parks-and-recreation&episode=s07e09
The first thing I'm gonna do is say sorry.
I'm sorry that the spotlight is on me and not on Ben, because he is going to make a great congressman.
Second, the Male Men Where are you? Ah.
You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing.
Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent answers to all the silly questions that you're gonna end up asking me, and every other woman in this election, over the next few months.
"Why did I change my hairstyle?" Oh, I don't know.
I just thought it would look better.
Or my kids got gum in it.
"Are you trying to have it all?" That question makes no sense.
It's a stupid question.
Stop asking it.
Don't ask it.
"Do you miss your kids while you're at work?" Yes, of course I do.
Everybody does.
And then, you know, sometimes I don't.
Yeah.
And by the way, no one's ever asked me that question.
No one asks me, "Where are your kids?" Or, "Who's taking care of them?" By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now? My mom, babe.
Everything's fine.
Right.
So, maybe Leslie doesn't fit your personal idea of what a candidate's wife should be.
So what? That's good, because there shouldn't be just one idea anyway.
That's right.
If you wanna bake a pie, that's great.
If you wanna have a career, that's great, too.
Do both, or neither, it doesn't matter.
Just don't judge what someone else has decided to do.
We're all just trying to find the right path for us.
As individuals.
On this Earth.
Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=parks-and-recreation&episode=s07e09
The first thing I'm gonna do is say sorry.
I'm sorry that the spotlight is on me and not on Ben, because he is going to make a great congressman.
Second, the Male Men Where are you? Ah.
You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing.
Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent answers to all the silly questions that you're gonna end up asking me, and every other woman in this election, over the next few months.
"Why did I change my hairstyle?" Oh, I don't know.
I just thought it would look better.
Or my kids got gum in it.
"Are you trying to have it all?" That question makes no sense.
It's a stupid question.
Stop asking it.
Don't ask it.
"Do you miss your kids while you're at work?" Yes, of course I do.
Everybody does.
And then, you know, sometimes I don't.
Yeah.
And by the way, no one's ever asked me that question.
No one asks me, "Where are your kids?" Or, "Who's taking care of them?" By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now? My mom, babe.
Everything's fine.
Right.
So, maybe Leslie doesn't fit your personal idea of what a candidate's wife should be.
So what? That's good, because there shouldn't be just one idea anyway.
That's right.
If you wanna bake a pie, that's great.
If you wanna have a career, that's great, too.
Do both, or neither, it doesn't matter.
Just don't judge what someone else has decided to do.
We're all just trying to find the right path for us.
As individuals.
On this Earth.
Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=parks-and-recreation&episode=s07e09
Katherine seems to also enjoy her play mat and her bouncy seat. Her play mat has small animal-shaped rattles that are attached to arches. Initially I think it just annoyed her and possibly overstimulated her. Now that her eyes are focusing better, she'll happily lay on the mat in 5-20 minute spans of time. Sometimes she'll even bat or kick at the toys, which makes me happy. I hope it helps with her hand-eye coordination. The bouncy seat is a relatively new acquisition, from Steve and Diana. Katherine seems to consistently enjoy that because it props her up to where she can see everything. It also gives her the illusion of being held, which means that we can sometimes eat dinner or do random tasks around the house while she's awake without having to constantly hold her or have her scream bloody murder while being laid down. Oh yes, my daughter has a set of lungs! The only downside of the bouncy seat is that I have somehow managed to rack the inner toes on each foot on it in two separate incidents. I am glad I wasn't holding the baby during either incident, just saying...the pain was enough to send me to the ground or the nearest surface to sit on, cursing all the while.
All in all, Katherine is a happy baby, so long as she is well-fed and has a clean diaper. (Wouldn't we all be, though?) It amazes me how my love for her has multiplied exponentially since she's come. At first, I didn't think it'd be that difficult to go back to work, but now the thought of leaving Katherine almost brings me to tears. (Cue the mom guilt...) I'm happy to report we found a lovely woman to care for our baby girl. She lives just a couple minutes away from our house, and she has done this for 20+ years with clean inspection reports from the state of Texas. She's a little high in our budget, but she also keeps very few children. Moreso, she only keeps one baby at a time, meaning Katherine will not have to compete for attention with other babies while at daycare. There will be 2 or 3 other kids there, I believe aged 2, 3, and possibly 4. Finding childcare is more stressful than I ever anticipated. Many places have monthly charges that rival our mortgage payment. Seriously. Other places that were significantly cheaper made it apparent as to why they were that way. Other places don't take 8-week-olds. Most places don't have vacancies for babies. I fell in love with a number of sweet women who I would've loved to sent Katherine to, just to be deterred by their lack of openings or their high costs. There was one daycare center that I about came unglued on, as the woman put me on hold 3 times during a 5 minute phone call, and couldn't manage to keep ANY of my information straight. Thank God (literally) for our babysitter!
In a bit of non-Katherine news, work starts up in a little over a week or two. I'm not ready to go back. Besides me lamenting the loss of snuggle time with my sweet baby, I'm anticipating a more challenging year on the whole. The last week before summer began came with the news that our beloved department chair was retiring. I don't blame her in the slightest for doing so. She has earned it. I'm just sad to see her go. She has so many similarities to my mom, and she always went above and beyond to make me (and everyone else) feel supported and cared for. Since she left, I have been asked to take over the bulk of her teaching duties, meaning that I will now teach exclusively upperclassmen (mostly seniors). I really loved working with the freshmen and felt like I had hit my stride with them. On the flipside, I am the most familiar with the bulk of the curriculum of all the math teachers (and with a lot of the students I'll be inheriting), so it made sense to do that. This year we'll still be sorting out a lot of the mess left by the math teacher who was fired in April, so that makes me a little apprehensive, too. I have lots of feelings about this year, and not many are great ones. However, I know I've been through worse, and my attitude will set the tone for the year. I can choose what kind of attitude to have, so I'm making an effort to choose positivity. It will take a concerted effort, but I'm going to do my best to not let any of my worries bleed into my teaching. In good news (?) our daycare closes at 5, so it will force me to always leave work at a specific time. I'm hoping to be better at getting to work early to make up for that, but I think it could help me to manage my time a little bit better and to not be so inclined to take work home all the time. Let's face it, Katherine snuggles will pretty much always win out over grading papers or lesson planning...
Backtracking a little, Mom came and spent a wonderful week with us after Katherine was born. It was so much fun having her here. It made the transition into motherhood much better because I had a professional with me to answer all of my silly questions and provide reassurance. It also made her leaving hurt a lot. Many tears were shed on both ends. People always talk about how tough long-distance dating relationships are because you can't always be with your partner at all times. What no one ever talks about is how if the relationship works out, you'll never win in terms of being geographically close to both families. You can split the difference by not living near either family or you can perpetually feel like you're not spending enough time with one family or the other. No matter what, it's terrible and heart-wrenching. Having babies doesn't help, either. In fact, it makes the distance seem much more pronounced, sad to say. There's always guilt one way or the other, usually all self-imposed. I hate it, but I'm glad we live in an age of technology and easy travels. It makes things a little less difficult and disconnected. It's no replacement for just being there in the flesh, but it's slightly easier. This brings me to happier news: we'll get to spend a little chunk of time in OK! Mom and my sisters are hosting a shower for us. Per their request, Katherine and I will be spending a couple of extra days up there so they can get more snuggles. I'm also planning on having some 7-week photos done for Katherine while there. I can't seem to find anyone in the greater Dallas/Plano area who does baby pictures that doesn't charge an arm and a leg for it. I'm all for paying people what they're worth and paying for their time and creativity, but only to a certain extent. Sometimes people know that they can get away with charging more than they need to so they do so. I found a lovely lady in Enid who can make the same thing happen for a fraction of the cost, so there you go. (I know, it'd be cheaper in OK than in TX...cost of living differences...I get it. Still not paying almost $1000 for a one-hour session of professional baby pictures...)
In a few more weeks, we'll have almost everyone in the family here for Katherine's baptism. I could go on a small rant about how frustrating and annoying it was to get the baptism scheduled, but I'll focus instead on being happy we got it on the books and taken care of sooner rather than later. We're excited to get everyone together for this!
Let's talk visitors from the last few weeks! We've had quite the menagerie of guests since Katherine arrived! All of my immediate family members have made their way down in the weeks since. Mom and Dad came first. They ended up staying for almost a week, including our first few days at home. I figured out that my dad gets bored down here. It's bound to happen when he's used to having a hundred acres and a huge shed to work in...that and he doesn't just sit and relax often. Combine that with him getting easily disoriented and hating the traffic/high-speed roads around here, and you have an interesting set-up. Mom is slowly figuring out our neighborhood/area. She is embracing it all, especially in the name of snuggling her newest grandbaby. Emily's crew came down the day we came home from the hospital. Her boys had varying reactions to Katherine. Kyle and Cole were absolutely ecstatic. Kyle had been texting me for days leading up to their visit. Cole was reportedly so excited on the day of their trip that he hardly ate lunch. Cody was a lot more tentative...that is, until he held Katherine for the first time! You want to talk about a magical moment! Our big, bulky teenage nephew just melted when she snuggled up to him.
Gina and Wyatt made a day trip the following day. It's fair to say that my sisters are excited to be in full-on aunt mode after years of being in full mom-mode. They've quickly embraced getting to be fun aunts to Katherine. I guess it's only fair after me having a 15-year reign as full-time fun aunt to the boys! Andrew, Jakub, and Jeremy came a few weeks later. Jakub was tentative about Katherine at first, but he thinks she's cute enough to make up for her taking his spot as the youngest Hladik grandchild. Andrew, the baby whisperer, had fun monopolizing her when he could. Both Jeremy and Scotty are just smitten with their newest niece. Babies have a way of bringing out the best feelings in everyone.
Steve and Diana visit as often as they can. They're getting the hang of grandparenting. This is, after all, uncharted territory for them. Elizabeth, as I mentioned last time, has been exiled to STL for the summer. She happened to get a short and much-needed respite from gross anatomy the week of July 4th. She used that break to fly down for the weekend and finally meet her first niece. To say she was antsy and excited would be a huge understatement. Each day she was here she spent a good chunk of time at our house holding Katherine. It was great for me because it meant that I had a short break each of those days that allowed me to get a few little things done around the house. Yes, I rest when Katherine rests, but sometimes I feel more energized to get stuff accomplished during those gaps. It's about balance. And heaven knows I don't require as much sleep as a newborn does!
A number of friends have come by to visit and/or bring us food. Among our friends who've visited are Alex & Haley, Ben, Sarah, & E, Charlotte, Eleanor, Katie & T, and Kiki. We've also had some mall walking outings with Shedonna & her twins, as well as Laura and her two kiddos (plus a few of the previously mentioned friends). Having a community of young families like ours makes this transition to parenthood much easier. My friends with kids have been a Godsend when I've needed to vent, cry, or get some form of encouragement, advice, or affirmation. I have more thoughts on the transition to parenthood, but that's for another day.
I'll end with some fun pictures from the last few weeks!
Papa and his Kitten
Obsessed with this picture
Look who fell in love with his baby cousin after all! (Cue my heart melting and me bawling!)
Dad spent some time sitting on our front lawn watching traffic from an estate sale next door. Peep Scotty and Cody, who is every bit as tall as his 6 foot tall dad!
Look at that cute dimple!
Aunt Gina was obsessed! (Somehow Emily is the only person in the family who I don't have a picture of with Katherine!)
Elizabeth meeting Kat for the first time when we picked her up at the airport!
Shortly before Katherine pooped on Elizabeth...oops!
Our little firecracker!
One proud aunt!
Our one-month-old!
Love this picture so much!
I love Katherine's funny face!
Her response when I asked if she was ready to go to the mall!
As mentioned, Katherine joined the party on the 11th, just 4 days before her due date!
The whole week prior to her arrival was soaked up with me finding any and everything to do to keep my mind off the fact that my entire world was about to be changed. It involved lots of napping, visits with friends who stay at home with their babies, and a random 6:30 AM trip to the grocery store when I couldn’t sleep one morning. (That’s actually the best time to go, FYI.)
The day before her birth was my laziest day yet. I slept a lot and watched lots of Netflix. That evening, Thomas came home and mowed the lawn. I felt so stir crazy that I picked up twigs in the backyard (to put in Thomas’ new fire pit...his stir crazy project) and rolled up a garden hose. Both were things that I probably shouldn’t have been doing, but I had the energy and was sick of being alone in the house. It was unseasonably cool that evening, maybe in the low 80s, so I coerced Thomas to go with me on a walk through the neighborhood after he finished mowing. I had plans to go on walks for the rest of the week, too!
After the walk, we got ready for bed, but I had a harder time settling than usual. I slept fitfully for an hour or so before waking up feeling off. I hurried to the bathroom to have my suspicions confirmed—my water was breaking! Telling Thomas was a bit amusing, as I had to wake him from a dead sleep all the way from our bathroom. I didn’t want to shout and scare him, but I also couldn’t speak in a normal voice and have him actually hear me. I ended up shouting and when he finally heard, he sat straight up in bed and sprang to life. In that moment, I was glad we had all our bags packed because it made our lives easier. Within 10 minutes, we were out the door and on the road to the hospital. It was about 1 AM at this point. If I would’ve known what my day held, I would’ve lobbied to stop for food...
We got to Labor & Delivery admissions a short while later, alleviating my fear that I’d need to get to the hospital in the middle of rush hour traffic and have it take forever. To the contrary, there was NO traffic at 1 AM! Also, the fact that I had preregistered for my visit expedited the admission process. I was a sight to behold in my pajamas and Birkenstocks (aka the only shoes I’d been able to fit on my swollen feet for the last trimester). I contemplated looking a little more presentable but decided that I’d end up leaking fluid all over myself and would end up in a hospital gown fairly soon, so comfort won out.
Walking to my room while leaking fluid was every bit as awkward and uncomfortable as it sounds. And of course we went to the farthest room possible. I had never stayed in a hospital to that point, so I was entering uncharted territory. By that I mean that I was about to say goodbye to every last bit of modesty I’d ever have in my life. Getting set up in the bed was annoying because I was covered in a tangled mess of fetal dopplers, contraction monitors, a pulse ox that was taped to my hand, and a port for the variety of things they injected in my body. All while I was still leaking fluid and feeling like I peed my pants. On the upside (?) we had access to local cable at 2 AM, which is every bit enthralling as one would think. I think we either settled for Seinfeld or the extra early version of the Today show. From this point on, I have never envied Thomas this much.
I had to sit and wait. They told me to sleep, which is funny since I really hadn’t been able to sleep for the past few weeks, so joke’s on them. And hospital beds are incredibly uncomfortable minus the fact that they reclined, making sitting up in bed easy for the first time since January. I eventually rested in fitful bursts, often interrupted by nurses checking my vitals or telling me to use the bathroom. I was also informed that I was officially NPO (nothing by mouth) until I popped my child out. They informed me I was BARELY dilated (won’t go into those gory details), so I would start a Pitocin drip to augment labor. I finally figured out what contractions felt like, which were surprisingly lesspainful than when they checked how dilated I was. Also less painful than when they gave me my first dose of antibiotics via IV. Slowly they ramped up in intensity, but I think that had more to do with them upping the Pitocin flow. A few hours later, we found out I had progressed by 1 cm, making me 2 cm dilated. After about 4-5 hours on Pitocin. Oh joy. I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, so that’s about when they brought in the anesthesiologist to administer my epidural. He was a welcome sight, despite the inordinate pain leading up to it taking effect. Thomas was in and out of the room getting food at that time (lucky jerk...). I was settled in on a sporadic diet of ice chips, heavily monitored by my nurses who made sure I didn’t have too many, for whatever reason.
The idea was that they gave me an epidural early on so my body would relax and dilated like it’s supposed to. Let’s fast forward a few hours and cut to the chase. By 4 PM NOTHING, and I mean absolutely NOTHING had changed. And I was admitted at 1:30 AM. And I hadn’t eaten since 10:30 PM the night before. My doctor was slowly getting concerned, so we started considering that a regular birth might not happen. When Thomas reiterated to my doctor how long I’d been there on Pitocin, my doctor slightly freaked out and decided that a C-section was on deck for me. He was concerned that there was a reason Katherine wasn’t descending like she needed to and wanted to keep me comfortable/safe. He was also worried about me losing strength since it had been 16 hours and counting since I last ate. So, a C-section it was.
At this point, Thomas went to inform his parents (who had dutifully waited in the lobby since about 8:30 or 9 that morning). I also called my mom, who hadn’t made it to Dallas yet due to situations beyond her control. Mom and I had a moment in which I realized that mom guilt never goes away. I thought I had some time before the C-section, as there were supposedly 5 women on deck already and it was looking like it could be about 8 PM before I could go. Apparently my doctor rallied hard and bumped me to the front of the line since I’d been there so long. Before I knew it, a swarm of nurses came in and started getting me ready for surgery. I’m not entirely sure what that entailed besides them upping my epidural dosage, and I’m okay with that. About the time they finished that process, Thomas was allowed back in the room and was given a set of scrubs to put on over his clothes.
They wheeled me back to the OR. It was quite the surreal feeling. Then my OR team shifted me to the operating table. THAT was a weird feeling, especially since I was numb from the neck down. I loved my nurses in there. Their first order of business was figuring out what music I like so they could turn it on the overhead speakers. They used one of my workout playlists that contains lots of 90s and 00s throwbacks. I wish I could remember the exact song that was playing when Katherine was born, but I can’t. There’s a decent chance it was a Salt N Pepa or Missy Elliot song...ha!
The procedure was a surprisingly quick process. I think it took 20-30 minutes from start to finish. My doctor kept the mood light. Also, he had a med student shadowing him for the day, and I gave her permission to witness the birth. (Anything for education, right?)
Before I knew it, my world changed forever. At 5:28 PM, Katherine was pulled from my womb and breathed her first breaths in the outside world. Meeting your child for the first time is surreal. I was shocked by how much hair she had and the sound of her cry! I was not shocked by the fact that she weighed 9 pounds exactly—I knew I had a big baby! Soon after we were wheeled back to my room where they finished measuring Katherine and I was finally off anesthesia long enough to be able to hold Katherine without fearing I’d drop her. (My arms were previously numb...)
We spent the next bit of time skin to skin. It was magical holding her in my arms at last. Then my nurse gave the best news I’d heard all day—she was bringing me food! I ate 2 graham crackers and a red Gatorade. I think that was the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, no lie. Shortly thereafter I was given a crash course on breastfeeding. It amazed me how my body knew what to do even though I had a C-section. I wish I could say that part was magical, but not so much. So it goes.
We eventually moved to the postpartum room where we spent the next 3 days. Steve and Diana quickly joined us. Soon after, Jean and Jay came up to visit. Jay was heading back to NYC the next day, so she came in the nick of time! Mom and Dad finally made it to the hospital around 11:30 that night. Everyone who came immediately fell in love with Katherine, especially my dad. He apparently didn’t believe that I’d actually have a girl, so seeing that he had a granddaughter in the flesh melted his heart. He decided to call Katherine his kitten. Anyone who knows my calloused farmer of a dad will be equal parts shocked and not shocked that he was such a softy for his newest grandchild. My heart was happy for that moment!
We FaceTimed a lot with Elizabeth, who was stuck in STL taking a gross anatomy class for her PT program. Being away taking a terribly difficult class during all the excitement was her personal hell, no doubt. Thank God for technology that kept her connected to us!
More visitors came through the coming days, but I think I’ll end the birth story here. More excitement has since followed, but that’s for another time.
Last night was tough. You dozed a little later than usual and had a hard time going to bed. I didn’t fall asleep until after 3 am and was up again at 6:30 with you. I felt like a failure. I laid on the couch with you, and we cried together. We went through 4 diapers in 5 minutes. Two outfits within an hour. I thought motherhood would look different. I thought motherhood would feel different. Yet there I was, losing my mind, feeling so disconnected from myself. So many worries plagued my mind. Some about you, others about me. Sleep eluded me far longer than I hoped.
You took a long nap this morning, and so did I. We were supposed to meet friends to go walking, but we didn’t. I couldn’t stand to face the world after the night I had. Slowly I woke up to the sounds of you cooing in your crib.
After the night before, when I questioned my ability to be your momma, I approached your room with fear and a twinge of shame, thinking back to mere hours before when I felt so empty and lost. You were waking up and flailing your arms about, like usual. Your eyes opened and were fixed on me. You looked peaceful seeing me there to pick you up.
We did a quick diaper change, and you gave me some sweet smiles. In that moment, all the emptiness, brokenness, shame, and guilt vanished. I realized that you don’t need the perfect mom I was wishing I could’ve been. You need me. Your imperfect mom who cusses more than I should, who cries a lot, who has more quirks than I care to admit, but who loves you so much it brings me to tears.
I fed you, then later ate lunch myself. You were fussy and clingy. I just wanted some peace to make and eat my sandwich. But when I put you down, you screamed bloody murder. Like the neighbors might hear and call CPS on me because they think you’re being tortured screaming. So I held you. You squirmed and screamed some more while I ate, but then I pulled you in tight. Suddenly, you melted into me and went to sleep.
I had a million things to do. Laundry that has needed to be put away for a week. Bottles to wash. Papers to be filed. Clutter to remove. Thank you notes to write. Dinner to prep. On and on and on. I needed this time, so I got up to lay you down. Then your eyes shot open, and you gave me a look that wondered why I was putting you down when you obviously weren’t really that sleepy.
So I held you. To hell with the other things that needed to be done. They’ll still be there later. The errands I needed to run seemed trivial when I considered the fact that for this sliver of time, you need me in a way that you’ll never need me again. You need your mom to hold and snuggle you. You need to be in your safe, familiar place—my arms. Nothing else seemed to matter in that moment.
My sweet little girl, I love you so. Momma will hold you for as long as you’ll let me.
